Sunday, March 11, 2012

Of the Unattainable

As I draw closer towards you become more appealing, the fire within me is rekindled and it rages within. I find it physically difficult to masquerade behind all this ardor. For clinging on to you hoping that it will all be alright is yet another version of one of my unattainable dreams. You constantly leave me on the threshold of happiness only leading me to decide a long time ago that I wouldn't be willing to make any compromises on my happiness but here I was doing just that. Taming a wild heart!

You never forget the face of the person who is your last hope. The last piece of the puzzle you want to fit into your life’s jigsaw board without a struggle.But the struggle is very much present and as grotesque as it may seem you have unknowingly accepted it. I sat across the table from him staring down at the cup of tea. Years of sneaking around coffee dates in remote cafes less acquainted by people with “normal” relationships. I am reminded of the pact I made to myself this morning as I stood in front of the mirror. 

“It’s over!” I heard myself saying to him.

“Excuse me?”

I searched his eyes and couldn’t contain his fear struck expression. I gathered my things as he watched in sheer astonishment.

“What’s over?”

“Us! It ends here this very moment, unless you’ve made your decision between me and her”

I couldn’t pronounce her name, the mere thought of its sound left me numb with disgust. To think that here I was giving my best only for someone else to get the best of him instead. Irony seemed to line the path of my journey through life. A track record for being in love with the wrong person at the wrong time, time wasted on tricking myself into believing there was something I could blame this pattern on. At first I attributed it to daddy issues and self image problems, but this time I thought I had it in me to give him a taste of what I was going through. I not only told myself that, I had to believe it this time and his needy questions reiterated my belief that he couldn’t do without me.

“We’ve talked about this before you know I can’t”

“Neither can I” I said heading towards the door.

“Stay” he pleaded clutching my hand.

Funny, how I’ve spent half my life figuring out how to put things together, coaxing myself into mustering the courage to end the drama. Yet all it takes is a glance from him and the pent up anger and rage within me evaporates.

I pulled the chair and sat down. The meme of a classic forbidden love story: here one moment and gone the next.